Remember to do this, interlude 

Dear Mom,

Please remember to preheat the oven for 20 minutes at 350 degrees Fahrenheit before putting in the pork chops.

Remember to place a pieces of parchment paper on cookie sheets.

Remember to put an equal amount of brown mustard and mayonnaise in a bowl. 

Remember to smoother a small amount of the brown mustard/mayonnaise mixture on each pork chop before coating it in the breading. 

— from an ad in Pork Chops & Choppers Monthly, June 1997

Oblivion with icecream, interlude

We looked outside the window. It was hazy amidst a white sky, bound to rain. But the weather wasn’t what drew our attention to the sky. 

It was the end of the world. Our end was at hand and we couldn’t be more excited about it. Death by chocolate and icecream was upon us.

–from Chocolate Culinary Apocalypse, audiobook by Tony Fuzzheldt, available on compact disc and mp3, published by Doomerboomer Books, May, 2005.

Off the block, interlude 

The latest addition to our family of products doesn’t need an introduction. They can speak for themselves. But we’re not going to allow them to speak. It would be bittersweet. To say the least.

–from an ad in Culinary Anger Magazine, June 1987, for Luxerious cookies, now in bittersweet chocolate chip.