“So tell me Mr. Bucket–”
“It’s Becket, Sir,” said Jay.
“Mr. Becket,” said the employer behind the desk, “What have you done with your life that makes you the absolute candidate for this position?”
“Well, the confidence level I have in my experience—–”
“Oo Oo Oorrrrr!” said Mr. Quarts and rolled his Rs.
Mr. Quartz appeared unaware of what happened. He looked up at Jay quizzically.
“Why’d you stop? Please continue.”
“The experience I have collected from previous employers has prepared—-”
“Hoot, hoot, hoot hoot. Hoot hoot hoot hoot, Orrrrrr!” said Mr Quartz as he spat out the now well chewed piece of legal paper.
“Uh, sir, is this a bad time, should I come back later?”
Mr. Quartz was now scratching his sideburns furiously as large brown bird feathers were rapidly growing, covering his face, hair, and his hands. His nose was growing sharp and turning orange colored. His eyes were getting wider and a strange light that wasn’t there before had appeared in them.
“Mr. Quartz, Mr. Quartz are you ok?!” shouted Jay.
“I’m just fine, Mr. Becket,” said Mr. Quartz, “But I suggest you run while you still can.”
“Should I call an ambulance?” asked Jay.
“No, that will not be necessary,” said Mr. Quartz, “But if you must help me, then run. As fast as you can.”
“Why?” asked Jay, “I just want a position at your company!”
“You may have a 90 day trial period. But only if telling you makes those lungs huff and puff,” said Mr. Quartz, “Because moving prey makes better sport!”
Excerpt from “Employment is for Birds of Prey”
from the curiously long book of short stories, I am lettuce, who are you?