It’s scary, interlude

…When I’m busy researching how to write horror. Today it’s research on ghosts. I’m studying in my bathroom, on a rainy, quiet afternoon, and then my dog starts howling. Like he’s in pain. I’m getting hairs on the back of my neck standing up…

I get out of the bathroom and into the den just to find he’s trying to tell me our house guest is back to continue repairs….

–from an interview with renowned horror film director Teddy “Marsh Bob” Fobberman, on the topic of house guests his family would receive back when he was just starting out as a director. Recorded June 1998, Scared Coatwire Productions, inc.

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White Cats, interlude

..When I was young, my grandfather never liked cats. He didn’t mind me having a dog though. But I was more fond of cats. I asked him one day why he felt the way he did.

“…Because dogs keep the mad scientists away,” he said.

..It took a few minutes to get him to explain what he said…

“..When I was young, I thought I could go into the state park at night. I didn’t fear the dark, didn’t know the danger that stalks…

“You’ll never see the white fur which seems to glow in the dark, or the eyes that reflect your flashlight,” he said, “You will hear neither the purring that comes down from his perch, nor smell the ammonia stench of his white lab coat flowing.. You won’t feel the prick of the blow dart or be aware of where you land…

“You won’t recall the taste of dead leaves upon hitting the ground, or see Dr.Winter, the large green eyes, watching and making his plans…

“So don’t find yourself in his laboratory. Be careful when you venture at night. Always be watching the trees. For you don’t know when Dr. Winter is watching. Be careful when you hear the breeze…

“He’s always looking for new test subjects, he watches, waits for the unwary…

“So get a dog, get a dog, grandson, and keep Dr. Winter at bay.”

–from “The White Cat of the Labyrinthine Woods” by Tyger G. Caterwauling, Summer Sunny Squashmare Publishers, Topeka, Kansas 1985.

Luxury, interlude

..It’s when you wish to dance in the rain without an umbrella, just to get the scent of rain in your hair.

..It’s the knowledge that all other biscuits in the world, no matter how much fancier, still pale in comparison to the one that is in front of you with a glass of milk. Or tea. Or coffee.

..One bite is all it takes to know these trinkets can talk, can say just one word, and with that one word they can bring malevolent armies to their knees…not with might, not with arms, but the memory they can give of how, when, and why they came into existence: luxury.

–from an ad in Culinary Political Media & Shoe Polish Weekly, ca. June 1986, New Years Morning Pretzel Publishers Inc.

Mind the Scary Stuff, interlude

…Attempts to write horror oft elude me. According to research Stephen King in his book, “On Writing” says to know horror you must read horror. For any genre it’s a relevant statement.

But what does one do when they have the same reaction to scary stories as with spicy food, yet still desire to write it? If not horror, at least suspense.

The advice collected is to make it mysterious. Make it believable. The monster isn’t revealed until the very last, if at all.

This is my problem: with each description of something “scary,” I make some heroic figure step behind, grab its attention and say,

“Excuse me, are you supposed to be scary?”

—from Sounds of Sleepers on a Rainy Night and Other Stories: 101 Case Studies of Aspiring Writers. Horror Edition. Ca. June 1998, books on Audio Cassette and CD. Neo-Pumpkin Mandrake Publishers Inc.

Layered Turtle, interlude

… I’m a turtle layer. Watch out, turtle. I’m gonna layer you out!

–from “The Turtle Slayer with a Speech Impediment, and Other Stories,” by Walter deGewm-Cook. August Snowstorm Publishers, ca. June 1988.

Thoughts on the Superbowl, interlude

..So let me get this straight. The contenders to the Superbowl are either blind, triangular-faced men who wear fiery hats, or disembodied bird heads?

Well isn’t it obvious? The former will win, hands down. And talking about disembodied birds is making me hungry.

–From American sports writer and critic Charlie “Bear” Helmet-Wilderbeast, Sunday January 14th, 2018.

After he lost 90% of his earnings from his bet on the Patriots, Mr. Helmet-Wilderbeast had to write a retraction to apologize for his statement on January 14.