Witha Fishes, interlude

…You did a great job. I mean, would you look at that. It’s beautiful. …But it isn’t the outward appearance I’m talking about. For the sake of this instance, beauty really is on the inside….

–Recorded speech from crime boss Bill “The Confection” Tetrazzini, in response to success in hiding colored coconut candy filling inside chocolate candy coating. Ca


Mystery Fish, interlude

…We take desiccated coconut, dry fondant, coconut flavoring, some water, and mix it all together.

…Now get this: we then divide the coconut-fondant mixture into three separate bowels and take food coloring and color each a different color.

…Then we hide the colored coconut filling inside chocolate candy coating in these here fish molds.

…It’s a solid plan. They’ll never know what color the coconut is without taking a bite.

–from a secret recording of known con artist chefs, who make their living by making their victims guess the color of coconut inside candy fish. Ca 2008.

Layered Turtle, interlude

… I’m a turtle layer. Watch out, turtle. I’m gonna layer you out!

–from “The Turtle Slayer with a Speech Impediment, and Other Stories,” by Walter deGewm-Cook. August Snowstorm Publishers, ca. June 1988.

Caramels, interlude

Caaraamels, Caaaaraaameels. Carrrrameeels!

from a scene in the new horror film, “54 Caramels” debue film director and culinary chef Waltz Fry-Marshmallow, ca January, 1998.

Topping for German Chocolate Cheesecake, interlude

This moment brought you by the Ad Council for Encouragement of German Chocolate Cheesecake Production Advocacy Group, enticing the American public to make and share German chocolate cheesecake on a more frequent basis since 1909.

–from the digital archives of filmmaker Randolf Blitz-Toaster-Howard, Inc., ca 2005.

From the oven, interlude

Hot from the oven

Don’t’ you touch

wait ten minutes

A knife runs around the rim

then wait an hour more

O cream cheese, where’d you go? German chocolate cheesecake, take it slow.

Overnight success

gives quite a chill

Cool German chocolate topping and add a thrill.

O cream cheese, where’d you go? German chocolate cheesecake, take it slow.

–from a radio advertisement advocating that listeners should make more German chocolate cheesecake. Ca 1935, Saint Gertrude Spaghetti Media Company

Oblivion with icecream, interlude

We looked outside the window. It was hazy amidst a white sky, bound to rain. But the weather wasn’t what drew our attention to the sky. 

It was the end of the world. Our end was at hand and we couldn’t be more excited about it. Death by chocolate and icecream was upon us.

–from Chocolate Culinary Apocalypse, audiobook by Tony Fuzzheldt, available on compact disc and mp3, published by Doomerboomer Books, May, 2005.