Pumpkin Pie got angry
and turned into a monstrosity
twice its normal size
and put on armor
made from brown sugar,
butter and walnuts.
We take a coffee cake recipe from 1974 and, using today’s cooking methods, make it for people in 2018.
The majority of the people who eat the coffee cake won’t know it’s from 1974. I’m betting those who were around back then won’t know either.
It’s a beautiful plan, friend. Time won’t know it’s getting stolen, a wonderful paradox.
–from a secret phone conversation between known time thieves, looking to steal paradoxical fragments from the year 1974.
I’ve been crying about this pepper relish for the last hour. How it burns! I also used too much white wine vinegar.
–from Charlie Potato-Butter, who found a way to use the hot peppers from his mother’s garden.
The recipe is here:
Pie will fool you. About halfway through baking, it’ll tell you all these shenanigans about how we’re ready. Hey, we’re boiling over, or we’re gonna over-brown, better check the oven—-
..Look, it’s hot in there, the pie doesn’t like it, and knows since you made it you’ll give it some slack. The best love for pie is leave it in the oven the whole time it’s supposed to be in the oven..
When it’s really done, the pie will have a different tune then what it had halfway. It’ll be more honest..
–from a seminar entitled “How to be a better Pie Parent: Becoming a Better Baker with Tough Love,” by Renowned Baker Jeff “Porker” Charles-McTabby. Recorded live at a professional culinary expo in Charleston, SC, August 1985.
Mr. Charles-McTabby has since written a book on the subject.
..The only thing I’m wishing would slip and fall is this custard into the prepared crust..
From Anton “Fluffy” Hotdog-McGee, April 20, 1880, reportedly in a heated political debate. Mayoral rival candidates had accused him of wishing ill will upon them by serving coconut custard pie, done on purpose because one of them, Mr. Henry H. Burger-Graham, of all things, was allergic to coconut.
..There was at least one other candidate, and it was a difficult decision to make, but instead we chose…the Pineapple Layer Cake for our dessert.
–from the reality show “No Rest-aurant in a Dessert Oasis, Mother’s Day Edition” the show that follows customers in restaurants and giving them various choices for dessert.
Ca. May, 2003
..you may have seen something like this..
..But that isn’t what’s being served for church after service tomorrow, provided I can get up early enough.
..I’m having to get up early to prepare frosting that otherwise would’ve evaporated by afternoon, so it has to be made the day of..
—from “6 A.M. is Too Early to Move,” a screenplay about people who choose only to eat tropical fruit. Ca May, 1998.
..To adhere to the standards and follow the rules, such as use heavily floured parchment paper, will guarantee good results.
However, there are still those who think plastic wrap is the answer to bread dough that insists on being a complete and total jerk, which may be correct..
Until the difficulty with he dough causes a small piece of plastic to tear, then the plastic piece disappears, making the baker anxious about whether or not the ugly loaf is safe to eat, having searched and not found the missing piece of plastic wrap…
–confessions from a tired bread baker, March 29, 1988.