We looked outside the window. It was hazy amidst a white sky, bound to rain. But the weather wasn’t what drew our attention to the sky.
It was the end of the world. Our end was at hand and we couldn’t be more excited about it. Death by chocolate and icecream was upon us.
–from Chocolate Culinary Apocalypse, audiobook by Tony Fuzzheldt, available on compact disc and mp3, published by Doomerboomer Books, May, 2005.
The latest addition to our family of products doesn’t need an introduction. They can speak for themselves. But we’re not going to allow them to speak. It would be bittersweet. To say the least.
–from an ad in Culinary Anger Magazine, June 1987, for Luxerious cookies, now in bittersweet chocolate chip.
It’s what you think about before bed. What visits you in your most benevolent of dreams, but cannot be caught. In the darkest corner and in the sunniest of hilltops, you want to say it, on the tip of your tongue, elusive to all— except to those who are driven to pursue it with a cup of hot tea: Luxury.
-from an ad in “Culinary Golden Rectangle” magazine, May 1988, advertising “Luxurious Golden Oatmeal brand oatmeal cookies, now 25% bigger.”
Yes friends, it’s the perfect treat the night before Election Tuesday. Sweet banana loaves, I just voted.
-from an ad in Sinister Chef Weekly, November 1988
Linda… you know how I get when you run from me. You did not let me finish. There is a second rising. It involves us both. So heat the ovens. I want you to witness this.
– from the horror audio book “Doughmancer 2: the second rising” on cassette tape and compact disc, November 1996
I can’t eat that. it looks horrible,” said Mr. Ford.
“Let her compose herself,” said the cook, “You come back tomorrow. She’ll be ready by then.”
-from “101 Ways to Die via the Culinary Arts” on cassette tape from October 1991.