Today the emissaries of Heavy Cream and Spice gathered in response to an agreement that will make a peaceful resolution.
“We have agreed to use our unique talents to give the world a gift which will help put our nations at the frontier of history.
–from 15th century records of early development of caramel. Ca Candy Parliament Library Intl.
..The life of pumpkin pie, provided it’s good pumpkin pie, is short-lived. ..Sometimes, it doesn’t last any longer than it took to make it.
–from world renown old time chef Mortimer “Mustache” Jacksonville, from his cookbook, “Seasonal Favorites from 1967: For All Who Love Pumpkin & Nothing Else.
Ca. 1988, Seashore & Starfish Assistance Publishers, Inc.
We combine a spicy cheese omelet with three slices of bacon and put it on whole wheat toast.
Then we serve it with coffee. It’s the ultimate master plan, folks. Our ticket to ruling the world: breakfast mastery.
They’ll never know what hit them til it’s too late. Because then they’ll want more.
–from three lost tape recordings of infamous pyramid scam artists, who decided last minute to open a fast food chain. Ca June, 1968.
This moment brought you by the Ad Council for Encouragement of German Chocolate Cheesecake Production Advocacy Group, enticing the American public to make and share German chocolate cheesecake on a more frequent basis since 1909.
–from the digital archives of filmmaker Randolf Blitz-Toaster-Howard, Inc., ca 2005.
Walnuts, coconut, brown sugar, heavy cream and butter; by themselves they are potentially deadly. But when combined in a pan over medium heat, they make any ordinary chocolate cheesecake into something amazing!
Let’s go to the phone lines, yes hello, you’re on the air.
“My mouth waters at the thought of traditional German chocolate cake; but my mind was blown when I was served a cheesecake of the same name.”
–from a 1985 public service announcement, courtesy of Anywhere USA, encouraging people to eat more German chocolate cheesecake.
Good evening. Our car broke down a few yards back. May we come in to use your phone?
–from “Count the Pumpkin Skins,” the 1980s horror film about a vampire who gets turned into a living jackolantern, who then preys on unsuspecting teenagers.
Creeper Corner Films. Air date: October 1981
We looked outside the window. It was hazy amidst a white sky, bound to rain. But the weather wasn’t what drew our attention to the sky.
It was the end of the world. Our end was at hand and we couldn’t be more excited about it. Death by chocolate and icecream was upon us.
–from Chocolate Culinary Apocalypse, audiobook by Tony Fuzzheldt, available on compact disc and mp3, published by Doomerboomer Books, May, 2005.
The latest addition to our family of products doesn’t need an introduction. They can speak for themselves. But we’re not going to allow them to speak. It would be bittersweet. To say the least.
–from an ad in Culinary Anger Magazine, June 1987, for Luxerious cookies, now in bittersweet chocolate chip.
It’s what you think about before bed. What visits you in your most benevolent of dreams, but cannot be caught. In the darkest corner and in the sunniest of hilltops, you want to say it, on the tip of your tongue, elusive to all— except to those who are driven to pursue it with a cup of hot tea: Luxury.
-from an ad in “Culinary Golden Rectangle” magazine, May 1988, advertising “Luxurious Golden Oatmeal brand oatmeal cookies, now 25% bigger.”
Yes friends, it’s the perfect treat the night before Election Tuesday. Sweet banana loaves, I just voted.
-from an ad in Sinister Chef Weekly, November 1988