Pie will fool you. About halfway through baking, it’ll tell you all these shenanigans about how we’re ready. Hey, we’re boiling over, or we’re gonna over-brown, better check the oven—-
..Look, it’s hot in there, the pie doesn’t like it, and knows since you made it you’ll give it some slack. The best love for pie is leave it in the oven the whole time it’s supposed to be in the oven..
When it’s really done, the pie will have a different tune then what it had halfway. It’ll be more honest..
–from a seminar entitled “How to be a better Pie Parent: Becoming a Better Baker with Tough Love,” by Renowned Baker Jeff “Porker” Charles-McTabby. Recorded live at a professional culinary expo in Charleston, SC, August 1985.
Mr. Charles-McTabby has since written a book on the subject.
..The only thing I’m wishing would slip and fall is this custard into the prepared crust..
From Anton “Fluffy” Hotdog-McGee, April 20, 1880, reportedly in a heated political debate. Mayoral rival candidates had accused him of wishing ill will upon them by serving coconut custard pie, done on purpose because one of them, Mr. Henry H. Burger-Graham, of all things, was allergic to coconut.
..There was at least one other candidate, and it was a difficult decision to make, but instead we chose…the Pineapple Layer Cake for our dessert.
–from the reality show “No Rest-aurant in a Dessert Oasis, Mother’s Day Edition” the show that follows customers in restaurants and giving them various choices for dessert.
Ca. May, 2003
..you may have seen something like this..
..But that isn’t what’s being served for church after service tomorrow, provided I can get up early enough.
..I’m having to get up early to prepare frosting that otherwise would’ve evaporated by afternoon, so it has to be made the day of..
—from “6 A.M. is Too Early to Move,” a screenplay about people who choose only to eat tropical fruit. Ca May, 1998.
..To adhere to the standards and follow the rules, such as use heavily floured parchment paper, will guarantee good results.
However, there are still those who think plastic wrap is the answer to bread dough that insists on being a complete and total jerk, which may be correct..
Until the difficulty with he dough causes a small piece of plastic to tear, then the plastic piece disappears, making the baker anxious about whether or not the ugly loaf is safe to eat, having searched and not found the missing piece of plastic wrap…
–confessions from a tired bread baker, March 29, 1988.
..Culinary fighters from all over the world, here for the prize above all others. A single recipe that could change the world, it’s fate in the hands of a single chef.
..Carbohydrates, when heated turn to gold, it’s a fight just for the bold. Every body get ready, it’s time to win the perfect bread. Before it’s over, I’ll be the champ when you’re defeated.
All ingredients assembled, utensils clean and calibrated…
“T-t-time to get kneaded.”
..For the pursuit of the swirl, for the pursuit of the swirl…
Competition is the answer when talk is cheap and there’s too many chefs—in the kitchen.
For the pursuit of the swirl…pursuit of the swirl.
–from Super Awesome Bread: Battle for a Better Slice! the Musical. Written and directed by Arugula Jersey-Taft, 1989, New York, NY.
Lyrics from the introduction song, “Pursuit of the Swirl,” lyrics written by J. B. Dandelion-Bradford.
The theatre production was a huge success, until producer Arugula Jackson-Taft heard about it and promptly sued for production rights, in 1990, claiming she came up with something similar a year earlier.
…Hey, man, just wanted you to know… that we’re, uh, you know, having a meeting tonight at the church at 6:30. It’s gonna, gonna, be a spiffy little time, bub-bub-bubu…you know?
–radio advertisement featuring famous 1950s singer/ songwriter Bob “the Bebop” Taft-Elliot, ca 1980, Onomatopoeia Morning Studios, Inc.
…Hot Cross carbohydrates are we, made with flour and living yeast. Go on and try us, we’re sweeter than most.
…Hot bread made from sweet roll dough. We’re just two of a kind, I’ve got the brains, he’s got the brawn…
— from Hot Cross Bread Forever!the Musical, songs written and composed by Arugula Jackson-Pierce, New York, NY, 1988.
Show you can make yeast bread, made with cheddar cheese, and I’ll believe you.
–from a local skeptic. March, 1984.