..It’s when you wish to dance in the rain without an umbrella, just to get the scent of rain in your hair.
..It’s the knowledge that all other biscuits in the world, no matter how much fancier, still pale in comparison to the one that is in front of you with a glass of milk. Or tea. Or coffee.
..One bite is all it takes to know these trinkets can talk, can say just one word, and with that one word they can bring malevolent armies to their knees…not with might, not with arms, but the memory they can give of how, when, and why they came into existence: luxury.
–from an ad in Culinary Political Media & Shoe Polish Weekly, ca. June 1986, New Years Morning Pretzel Publishers Inc.
… I’m a turtle layer. Watch out, turtle. I’m gonna layer you out!
–from “The Turtle Slayer with a Speech Impediment, and Other Stories,” by Walter deGewm-Cook. August Snowstorm Publishers, ca. June 1988.
When butter, brown sugar, and flour combine to make a crust, and walnuts, coconut, baking powder and an egg get into a rumble and everything gets cooked at 350 degrees Fahrenheit for 12 minutes, nothing short of a miracle happens.
–from “Fun with Instigating Culinary Ingredients to Dance” by Dessert Chef Flad Washelt-Fritz, ca. 1968.
Caaraamels, Caaaaraaameels. Carrrrameeels!
from a scene in the new horror film, “54 Caramels” debue film director and culinary chef Waltz Fry-Marshmallow, ca January, 1998.
Today the emissaries of Heavy Cream and Spice gathered in response to an agreement that will make a peaceful resolution.
“We have agreed to use our unique talents to give the world a gift which will help put our nations at the frontier of history.
–from 15th century records of early development of caramel. Ca Candy Parliament Library Intl.
..The life of pumpkin pie, provided it’s good pumpkin pie, is short-lived. ..Sometimes, it doesn’t last any longer than it took to make it.
–from world renown old time chef Mortimer “Mustache” Jacksonville, from his cookbook, “Seasonal Favorites from 1967: For All Who Love Pumpkin & Nothing Else.
Ca. 1988, Seashore & Starfish Assistance Publishers, Inc.
This moment brought you by the Ad Council for Encouragement of German Chocolate Cheesecake Production Advocacy Group, enticing the American public to make and share German chocolate cheesecake on a more frequent basis since 1909.
–from the digital archives of filmmaker Randolf Blitz-Toaster-Howard, Inc., ca 2005.
Good evening. Our car broke down a few yards back. May we come in to use your phone?
–from “Count the Pumpkin Skins,” the 1980s horror film about a vampire who gets turned into a living jackolantern, who then preys on unsuspecting teenagers.
Creeper Corner Films. Air date: October 1981
We looked outside the window. It was hazy amidst a white sky, bound to rain. But the weather wasn’t what drew our attention to the sky.
It was the end of the world. Our end was at hand and we couldn’t be more excited about it. Death by chocolate and icecream was upon us.
–from Chocolate Culinary Apocalypse, audiobook by Tony Fuzzheldt, available on compact disc and mp3, published by Doomerboomer Books, May, 2005.
The latest addition to our family of products doesn’t need an introduction. They can speak for themselves. But we’re not going to allow them to speak. It would be bittersweet. To say the least.
–from an ad in Culinary Anger Magazine, June 1987, for Luxerious cookies, now in bittersweet chocolate chip.