The latest trend, interlude

The latest trend in fashion is cat styling. Colleges are now offering classes to upscale boutiques to train house cats how to style hair of human clients, especially the rich and famous.

“I admit, this isn’t for everyone, just those who want to look hip,” says fashion guru Jared Stanleyman, who also says that the idea came to him in a dream.

But how long will it last before barbers are put out of business in exchange for the cuddly felines?

–from an article in Plastic Cutlery Jacket Magazine, or PCJM,
June Issue 2011


Action News, interlude

We interrupt this program to take you live where the mayor of Anywhere, USA has an important announcement. Listen in on his speech.

“…Hello, this announcement is to my mother… Please hold any press questions until after I have said what I need to say, thank you.

Mother, I am letting you know that I’ve sent you a card via e-mail. Be sure to check your inbox.

This is all I have to say at this moment. Thank you all for coming out here to listen to what I have to say. I will now take any questions from that you may have…”

You have been listening in on the mayor of Anywhere, USA, who has just now made a speech to tell his mother to check her email. We’re not sure about the details, such as what what kind of card it is, or why he feels compelled to make a public speech about it, but we will keep you informed with the latest update on this breaking story tonight at 11.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled program, already in progress.

–from a press conference featuring the 116th Mayor of Anywhere, USA, May 16th, 1980.

Luxury, interlude 

It’s the feeling you get when you traverse through a field of golden wheat ready for harvest.

 It’s the sound you make when given the opportunity to bathe in hot fudge frosting. 

It’s the taste on your tongue after biting into a fresh-from-the-oven oatmeal cookie. 

It’s the scent of that same cookie you bit into moments before, five minutes before it was removed from the oven. 

It’s the look on your rival classmate’s face at lunch, when he realizes his sad, stale, ordinary oatmeal cookies don’t measure up to what’s in what your lunchbox—————–Luxury.

—-from an ad in Microculinary, Bourbon & Shoeleather Magazine, Fall Issue, Sept 1988

Oblivion with icecream, interlude

We looked outside the window. It was hazy amidst a white sky, bound to rain. But the weather wasn’t what drew our attention to the sky. 

It was the end of the world. Our end was at hand and we couldn’t be more excited about it. Death by chocolate and icecream was upon us.

–from Chocolate Culinary Apocalypse, audiobook by Tony Fuzzheldt, available on compact disc and mp3, published by Doomerboomer Books, May, 2005.

Off the block, interlude 

The latest addition to our family of products doesn’t need an introduction. They can speak for themselves. But we’re not going to allow them to speak. It would be bittersweet. To say the least.

–from an ad in Culinary Anger Magazine, June 1987, for Luxerious cookies, now in bittersweet chocolate chip.