Youth and anger, interlude

There were times in my youth when boys and sometimes grown men, who were older, taller and bigger and stronger than me, would wag their tongues in such a way that I’d get offended.

Because I was just a young buck, and didn’t know better, I’d wait til the character was walking away and then come out of hiding and say something that I immediately regretted. I’d say it because I was angry, not because I thought it through.

Well more than half the time, the hooligans who said such to anger me would hear what I said, turn around and address me. They’d say something intimidating like, “What you say?”

Not planning for their retaliation, I’d be taken aback and would clam up or cower. But on some occasions I’d still be bristling. The fighting, however, was always the same, always a loss.

Part of growing up is to develop that emotional shell. So that when someone says something offensive, but otherwise harmless, it bounces right off.

The other part of growing up is to deal with the wounds from the words and actions that found their way past that tough exterior.

Forgiveness goes a long way. It’s the modern way to “turn the other cheek” when someone slaps you.

–from a 1998 interview with famed actor Gilford “Whiskers” Allsworth-Dinnersmith, who most recently has made an autobiographical work.

In it Mr. Allsworth-Dinnersmith talks about his childhood, his early career as a stuntman, and how he got discovered to become the famous playwright he is today.

Veggie Horror Films, interlude

They call him Skin-Face. He watched his whole family peel and eat their neighbors and now wears their remains. You will know him when you see him.

He goes around with a massive vegetable peeler, seeking all young spuds with rotten intentions. Only one with a good heart can oppose him. Can you spend one night alive in the Peeler House?

From “Night Fright-Veggie Nightmare,” directed by Vance Peeler-Frufflefluff, who also directed “Xastiron of the Skillet Massacre, in 3D.”

Not interested in humans, interlude

That’s just a roaming spider. There’s nothing to be afraid of. He’s looking for something to eat and you’re not small enough.

-from “Let out Charlie,” sci-fi live theatre show about a detective who solves crimes by studying spiders, especially a specific species of spider that scavenges off dead bodies.

Scam, interlude

..Ring ring..

A clear, young female voice picks up.

“Oh hi there,” she says, “This is Rachel with Resort Rewards. Are you still on the phone?”

The number was from a yellow card saying a delivery is expected but they needed my number to send it. The card said it was first class mail, even had a real stamp and a tracking number. It looked pretty realistic, but I wasn’t expecting a package.

“I’m calling in response to you sending me a card,” I said.

“Of course,” says Rachel, “Hold on while I transfer you.”

A moment later a male voice with a foreign accent picks up.

“Hello, sir, how are you?” He said, “I can schedule a delivery for you, but first I need your social security number.”

— from “This Scam is Important” by Richard “Watermelon” Gnayarp. Ca May, 1990, Gnitiam Publishers Inc.

Friday aftermath, interlude

…Friday the 13th is nothing to fear. Nothing bad happens on this particular day that could happen on any other day.

…However, Friday the 13th is undoubtedly a harbinger of terrible things to come. It is not the day itself one must be concerned about. Rather it’s the weekend of Friday the 13th, plus a couple days after, where lies the real danger.

–from Author G. T. Quilting-Wheeler, in an interview Friday, June 13, 2008.

The author’s synopsis was mocked and ignored until an unexplained, accidental death occurred two days later which claimed the life of an 18-year-old young man.

Up late, interlude

Live from Chattanooga, TN, it’s “Up Late with Tiger-do!” Featuring everyone’s favorite spoiled, obnoxious house cat who thinks he’s a night owl, Tiger-do-kitty!

–the writer for the show was fired a day later, as it turns out Tiger-do peed on his shoes an hour before the show went on air.

Air date June 6, 2009, Orange Kirkland Studio Productions Inc.

Witha Fishes, interlude

…You did a great job. I mean, would you look at that. It’s beautiful. …But it isn’t the outward appearance I’m talking about. For the sake of this instance, beauty really is on the inside….

–Recorded speech from crime boss Bill “The Confection” Tetrazzini, in response to success in hiding colored coconut candy filling inside chocolate candy coating. Ca

Radical, interlude

After New Years I made a radical decision to get rid of the game I was playing, which also meant saying goodbye to the guild I was in and the people in it.

I left a long note to the officers and formally resigned, but didn’t leave time to get feedback.

Thoughts to get rid of it all had come and refused to leave all day long. I deleted Band and the game, and feel that I didn’t handle it correctly.

I’m constantly thinking I should re-download Band and explain to the guild leader why I left, what I’m doing, etc. but am afraid they won’t take it right.

–from a case study from a former gamer, January, 2018.

Jack ‘o lanterns, interlude

Good evening. Our car broke down a few yards back. May we come in to use your phone?

–from “Count the Pumpkin Skins,” the 1980s horror film about a vampire who gets turned into a living jackolantern, who then preys on unsuspecting teenagers.

Creeper Corner Films. Air date: October 1981

Flammable Darkness, Interlude

 

Sparks. Find something that makes more sparks. The black slime creature had evaded the sparks sent out by the broken portal generator.  June ran to her kitchen with a crazy idea.

In the kitchen June kept a brown paper bag full of sparklers. They were leftover from last year’s July 4th.  She grabbed the bag and her cigarette lighter and ran back to the utility room.

June smoked, but not in the house. She never let her son see her do it, knowing the risks and all the scary stuff cigs were supposed to do. For once her bad habit could do something to save her life.

A sparkler was lit. The creature’s slick body reflected the light emitted from the sparkler. It slowly backed away toward the wall. June threw the sparklers at the creature. Not good enough. The creature evaded it until the sparks went out. Then it started to advance.

June went for bear and lit all of the sparklers, throwing them at the creature. So many sparks, so much light.

There was an audible wail as the sparks did their damage. It didn’t take much to quickly incinerate the creature until it was all smoldering ash.

FOOM

The creature exploded like one of those puffball fungi, filling the room with black, purple, and blue smoke. The smell of death and rotting flesh and decay washed over the room. June, lightheaded, was covered in the ash and ran out of the room coughing and sick to her stomach.

The ash was filling the house. June had to get out of there. she ran to the kitchen, opened the door, and out of the house. the whole house was filled with the smoke and ash, becoming clearly seen by the neighbors. Someone called the fire department. An ambulance was also sent.

*

“Oh thank God you’re safe,” said June’s mother Carol. Along with June’s mother were Frank and Anne, friends of June. Their children had invited little Eddy to stay over. Eddy was there to visit too.

June had been sent to the hospital for smoke inhalation while fire and rescue personnel searched the house. The entire inside of the house was covered in black soot and it had been determined that the fire started in the utility room.

“What happened?” asked Carol.

“I don’t remember. Electrical shortage maybe,” said June, “I feel fine.”

“No, I mean what happened to your eye?”

There was a bandage on her eye. June touched the gauze lightly.

“It doesn’t hurt. I don’t remember it being here.”

In walked a nurse to check on June. she politely asked friends and family to leave the room. Then a tall man in a black suit with a white overcoat showed up. June assumed he was a doctor.

“Hello, ma’am. I’m Doctor Thomas Phasmid. In addition to your smoke inhalation, we’ve done some tests on the type of smoke. It isn’t anything we’ve ever seen.”

“Why is my eye covered?” asked June.

“Well that’s what baffles us,” said Dr. Phasmid, “It appears the smoke infected that eye, but we were unsure as how to treat it.”

“I feel fine.”

“You’re also on pain killers. The infection was spreading. We  removed the eye.”

 

Excerpt from “Enzectozoid Chronicles: The Legacy of Whartleburg the Whalloper” from the curiously long book of short stories, I am lettuce, who are you?

 

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